Monday, September 15, 2008

Ramadhan 1429 - Day 15

Dirty Confession...

Confessions are being made because someone can't really stand to keep a secret or secrets anymore. The burden of keeping secret make them unease with their life because at some point in your life, it will haunt you. And when it does, you'll life a miserable life. Then, a thought will come to your mind that confession has to be made, but then again you'll be thinking and being afraid of what the consequences you have to pay. As for me, i'm just 22 years of age, but i live a secretive life. It's like i have 2 sets of identities, 1 for 'type A' environment and the other for 'type B' environment. Type A is when i can be my self, where i can express anything, any feeling without people being so angry about it, but the ugly part of it, i'll end up to be 'bad and wrong' people [ no offense to all my friends in this environment ]. In Type B environment, my life is more constricted and restricted, i can't say anything so freely especially i can't never express my heart fully, there's alway a part i have to keep. In other word, people in Type B environment will never know who i'm. This means that, i always have so many secret about my self that i keep from those people in Type B environment, and to be honest i can't really take it anymore. Keeping this secret just hurt me more and i definitely need help.

Now, at this moment of time, i'm thinking nothing than making a confession. I think i need to confess to ppl in B, who i'm really am. I know, the consequences are too big and hard for me to handle. But at least they will know me better, even though i know they wouldn't like it or worst isolated me.But i do need help, i don't want to live like this forever, the feeling just hurting me, and i can't stand the pain, the cut is too deep and i don't know when it will heal.

But the reality is, i don't have the gut to make the confession.......

Before being isolated, may be i should start to isolate my self from people in B. So when we less frequently meet, there will be less secret i have to keep. I hope by doing that, it wouldn't hurt me anymore. I want to change, but may be my way of doing so is just not right!

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