Ramadhan 1429 - Day 30

Ramadhan is living us!!!

Sedar tak sedar, hari ni dah hari terakhir kita berpuasa tahun ni. Sedih memang terasa sebab tahun depan belum tentu kita semua bersua lagi dgn Ramadhan. Walaubagaimanapun, kehidupan sentiasa menuju ke hari esok,dan Alhamdulillah saya sudah melakukan apa yg termampu utk Ramadhan tahun ini. InsyaAllah jika di panjangkan umur dan di murahkan rezeki, banyak lagi yg boleh di perbaiki lagi di Ramadhan tahun depan (rasanya tak yah tunggu tahun depan kot!!!), tapi mungkin di tempat dan suasana yg berbeza!

Apa2 pun, di kesempatan ini, saya ingin mengucapkan selamat menyambut Syawal yg mulia. Semoga apa yg dipraktikan di dalam bln Ramadhan dapat diteruskan dan insyaAllah diperelokkan lagi. Kepada mereka yg bersedih-sedih tu, jgn lah diikutkan perasaan sgt, sesunguhnya kesedihan itu ujian dari Allah. Tabahlah menghadapinya (teddy tallez,kamu ok???)

Saya juga ingin memohon maaf atas segala salah dan silap, sama ada yg nyata ataupun yg 'ghaib' kepada semua sahabat handai sekalian. Luka di hati mmg susah nak sembuh, and kepada mereka yg saya tgh geram tu, saya minta maaf banyak2, i need some time to to heal my feeling......

..SELAMAT HARI RAYA..

Ramadhan 1429 - Day 24

Dikala saya menaip entry ni, waktu sudah jam 12.03 am. Mengantuk memang mengantuk, lebih2 lagi bila nak bangun sahur esok. Tapi saya terpanggil utk buat entry baru. Banyak perkara yg perlu dilakukan, dan sesungguhnya waktu yg diberikan Allah itu cukup utk semuanya. Tetapi sudah menjadi lumrah manusia utk melenggahkan sesuatu yang baik dan masa sering dipersalahkan.

" Demi masa. Sesungguhnya manusia itu benar-benar berada dalam kerugian. Kecuali orang-orang yang beriman dan mengerjakan amal soleh, dan nasihat-menasihati kepada kebaikan, dan nasihat-menasihati dengan kesabaran"

[ Al-'Asr : ayat 1-3 ]

Sudah semestinya ayat di atas terlalu lazim utk kita, tapi sebagai manusia kita sering kali memandang enteng tentang masa walaupun sudah diperingatkan di dalam Al-Quran sendiri, dan diri saya tidak terkecuali. Ayatnya memang pendek tetapi penuh bermakna sekali. Azam sebelum Ramadhan banyak kekurangan dan kejahilan diri hendak di perbetulkan, tetapi sampai ke hari ini, saat ini, hanya Allah sahaja yg tahu sejauh mana saya melaksanakan azam tersebut. Bila difikirkan balik, memang salah diri sendiri kerana gagal mengurus kan masa dgn baik, dan ini meliputi segala-galanya, masa utk study mahupun masa utk bersosial. Kekesalan memang sering menyusul, tetapi kesal itu hanya sementara, dan sesungguhnya, ini tidak betul sama sekali.

Walau apa pun yang sudah terjadi, semua nya sudah menjadi sejarah dan moga-moga sejarah yang tercipta menjadi pedoman utk hari esok. Disini, saya ingin mengigatkan diri sendiri tentang penggunaan dan pengurusan masa dgn betul. Janganlah kerana kesalahan sendiri, masa yang menjadi mangsa kekejaman manusia yg mementingkan diri sendiri.

Dan kepada mereka yang gemar memberi false hope kepada kawan2 korang, hentikanlah! Kerana tiada faedahnya, ianya hanya menanam perasaan marah dan geram. Saya juga pasti anda tahu perasaan org yg mendapat false hope ni, so kalo tahu kenapa still nak buat org
lain mcm tu?

Ramadhan 1429 - Day 20

Geram, Marah, Benci

Jangan tanya kenapa, tapi itulah apa yg saya rasakan di saat menaip entry ni. Bangun pagi tadi around pkl 10 pergi IMU, sebab ada rehearsal for Malaysa Cultural Week. Walaupun tak der kena mengena sgt, sebab kawan minta tlg kan, so involve lah. Lagi pun, it's for convo mag jugak. I know i shouldn't feel marah, geram and benci semua tu, tapi bila nampak muka dia kat imu tadi my mood terus bertukar. terus jadi geram, marah dan benci, waalupun dia tak buat apa2 salah. Sekarang ni, bila perasaan mcm ni mcm2 lagi terpikir, lepas tu tringat pulak janji2 org yg tak tertunai tu, so rasa geram tu terus menjadi-jadi. and sekarang ni tak tau nak buat apa. Dah lah saya menghilang kan tie Naguib, rasa bersalah tu tak hilang2 lagi dan utk itu saya membenci diri saya sendiri. Benci, benci, benci. If possible i just want to disappear for a moment, mcm nak lari.......geram

I'm so sorry if my entry this time agak merepek and tak best langsung, tapi i just don't what to do at the moment. I just don't know....

Ramadhan 1429 - Day 15

Dirty Confession...

Confessions are being made because someone can't really stand to keep a secret or secrets anymore. The burden of keeping secret make them unease with their life because at some point in your life, it will haunt you. And when it does, you'll life a miserable life. Then, a thought will come to your mind that confession has to be made, but then again you'll be thinking and being afraid of what the consequences you have to pay. As for me, i'm just 22 years of age, but i live a secretive life. It's like i have 2 sets of identities, 1 for 'type A' environment and the other for 'type B' environment. Type A is when i can be my self, where i can express anything, any feeling without people being so angry about it, but the ugly part of it, i'll end up to be 'bad and wrong' people [ no offense to all my friends in this environment ]. In Type B environment, my life is more constricted and restricted, i can't say anything so freely especially i can't never express my heart fully, there's alway a part i have to keep. In other word, people in Type B environment will never know who i'm. This means that, i always have so many secret about my self that i keep from those people in Type B environment, and to be honest i can't really take it anymore. Keeping this secret just hurt me more and i definitely need help.

Now, at this moment of time, i'm thinking nothing than making a confession. I think i need to confess to ppl in B, who i'm really am. I know, the consequences are too big and hard for me to handle. But at least they will know me better, even though i know they wouldn't like it or worst isolated me.But i do need help, i don't want to live like this forever, the feeling just hurting me, and i can't stand the pain, the cut is too deep and i don't know when it will heal.

But the reality is, i don't have the gut to make the confession.......

Before being isolated, may be i should start to isolate my self from people in B. So when we less frequently meet, there will be less secret i have to keep. I hope by doing that, it wouldn't hurt me anymore. I want to change, but may be my way of doing so is just not right!

Ramadhan 1429 - Day 14 updated version

The 14th day of Ramadhan this year is the longest Ramadhan i ever had so far. It's actually a normal even organized by Muslim Society during Ramadhan, however it's more special today because they are combining Ihya' Ramadhan programme, Jr orientation and iftar together. The programme should start at 9.00am, but due to unforeseen problem it had been delayed about an hour. During the whole morning we had two talks delivered by two ustaz, one from UM and the other one from Binary college. The talk end around afternoon, then i went to carefour to by SOME groceries, and as schedule there will be a quiz at 2.00pm and unexpectedly, they put my name representing my batch, and it's quiz agama ok. So wrong to pick me for this quiz. But anyway, i masuk jah, and of course with other two of my friends (kalo tak mati mak...harus lari balik jb kan!!!). The quiz end at 3.30pm and we all straight to surau c for the orientation which start wih ice breaking. So, we start the activity after performing asar prayer together-gether. And it have been a legacy for IMU, for every event being organized for junior, the number of seniors who participate will definetly out number the junior. Anyway, as i'm not the OO os SM, so i randomly joined a group (not really random actually). As every other year, we'll having treasure hunt, but as it been done in the month of Ramadhan, the activity were plan to be more passive, instead of running, we walk. Fortunately, after 2 check points, it was raining quite bad actually, so the game had to be stop for safety reasons.

We know as we always listen that people say, for every single thing that happen, there's always a reason behind it. As for today activity, i think i can relate it to myself. since morning i've been accidently being close to someone i should be avoiding, especially from the carefour until the last check point in the game. And Alhamdullilah, it was raining, which i guessed Allah help me to stay away from that person. I'm sad, but it's good for me and i should be rejoice and grateful to Allah as HE help me stay away from comitting more sin, and it's seriously a long day!

Ramadhan 1429 - Day 14

Semakin lama berpuasa, sepatutnya kita dah boleh nak control apa-apa yg kita tak dapat control masa bulan tak puasa. Tapi, kenapa lah aku ni makin lama berpuasa, macam sama jer, kadang-kadang terasa makin teruk pun ada jugak. Aku banyak menanam azam utk ramadhan kali ni, antaranya menjaga pandangan, sebab aku rasa pandangan aku sgt jahat. Setiap kali terpandang benda yg best je, hati mesti tak tenang, dan otak terus terfikir benda yg tak sepatutnya. Semuanya mcm 'domino effect', sebab tu aku decide nak jaga mata yg rabun ni. Tapi, sejujurnya aku masih belum berjaya, and kadang-kadang tu mcm nak buat announcement kat dia orang ni yg aku ni tuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, lepas tu may be baru dia org sedar kot mcm mana dia org kena behave and wear something yg appropriate utk mata I.

Diva ke aku sampai ada org nak buat semua tu semata-mata utk aku??

Ramadhan 1429 - Day 13

Month For Reflection

Without realizing it, we already went through almost half of Ramadhan, the month full of wonder. For me, Ramadhan is the month for me to reflect back on all the things that I've done through out the previous year. But, as a human, i do have weaknesses to be able to correct all the bad things i did. I tried my best, in deed i'm still trying to refrain my self from seeing him. Yes, it's true i'm avoiding him not in an obvious way( it doesn't really matter actually, because he'll never realize it). I have no clue whether i'm exaggerating my feeling or not, but i know, i try to protect my iman and faith. I don't want to drag my self deep into the problem, i'm just afraid that i couldn't find my way back to reality, the 'hakikat' of my self!

There's always reason for all my acts. Why, i'm keeping my self away from other? why i'm like to be alone? It's just a mechanism that i'm always think it will protect me from my 'wrong desire'. It's really hard to be me, as people always think that i have a complicated mind and thinking. But it's ok, i'm open for critics. And i reflect more on my self, that not the only problem need to be corrected, there are many more and i hope i'll manage to do it, slowly, one bye one.........

Harapan Ramadhan

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan
Kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat kulalui
Dengan sempurna

Selangkah demi selangkah
Setahun sudah pun berlalu
Masa yang pantas berlalu
Hingga tak terasa ku berada
Di bulan Ramadhan semula

Puasa satu amalan
Sebagaimana yang diperintahNya
Moga dapat ku lenturkan
Nafsu yang selalu membelenggu diri
Tiada henti-henti

Tak ingin ku biarkan Ramadhan berlalu saja
Tuhan pimpinlah daku yang lemah
Mengharungi segalanya dengan sabar


Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan
Kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat kulalui
Dengan sempurna

Ku memohon pada Tuhan diberikan kekuatan
Ku merayu pada Tuhan diterima amalan

Selangkah demi selangkah...
Dengan rahmatMu oh Tuhanku...
Ku tempuh jua

Ramadhan 1429 - Day 3

can't believe I'm saying good bye to my tutor.

even though he's the kind that always scolded people,
always with his serious and fierce face,
and always call people stupid,
and if every time i walked pass him,
I would try to avoid making eye contact with him,
or worst,
I would run!

He's very strict person,
but I enjoyed his class,
even though my heart will beating fast,
and i would feel scare or nervous,
but I realize that,
i learned more.

He's person with many story,
with word of wisdom,
which bring me far across time and space,
he make me see the past,
peek over the future.

I know people will think i'm crazy,
but seriously for sure,
I'll be missing him.

Ramadhan 1429 - Day 2

Ramadhan is here once again,
and Alhamdulillah,
I've been given an opportunity to live till today,
to meet, once again
the holy month of Ramadhan.

Many things need to be achieved in this month,
and of course,
priority is given for the spiritual component,
to be clean and nourished,
so that,
our Iman and faith become stronger.

I hope,
I'll be stronger to face the day,
to become a better person,
to become a better muslim,
to declare everything and stop being hypocrite even to myself,
to stop all the madness ,
that I've promised my self over and over again.

I hope,
I can walk this month with success,
InsyaAllah.