If You Could SEE Me Now...

She likened it to a childhood crush, such strong, almost obsessive, feelings-but more, it had depth.

She felt attracted to everything about Ivan-the way he talked, the way he dressed, the words he used, his apparent innocence yet he was filled with a deep knowledge of wise insights. He always said the right things, even when she didn't want to hear them.

The darkness lifted from the end of her tunnels and she could suddenly see beyond. When he breezed into the room he brought clarity and brightness with him. He was walking hope, and she could tell that things for her could be, not fantastic or wonderful or happily ever after, but that they could be OK.

And that was enough for Elizabeth.

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She couldn't prevent him from invading her thoughts.

He was welcoming himself into her arms even they weren't open; he was dropping by her home uninvited yet she couldn't stop herself from opening her door time and time again.

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I'd stood her up. Not intentionally. Not out of any malice but out of love.

Imagine not seeing someone because you loved them so much. Imagine hurting someone, making them feel lonely. angry and unloved because you think it's the best for them. All these new rules-they were making me doubt my abilities as best friend. They were beyond me, laws that i wasn't comfortable with at all.

How could i teach Elizabeth about hope, happiness, laughter, and love when i didn't know if i believed in those things anymore?

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Don't ever take for granted when people look in your eyes - you've no idea how lucky you are.

Actually, forget about luck, you've no idea how important it is to be acknowledged, even if it is with an angry glare.

It's when they ignore you, when they look right through you, that you should start worrying.

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When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise.

But as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world, or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

If there is a noise, it's internal.

It screams & no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. It thrashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea; it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotion.

But that's the thing about love - no one is untouchable. It's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it's silent.

You're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it

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She looked around at the view for another moment in silence.

'I used to hate this town, Benjamin,' a tear rolled down her cheek. 'I used to hate every single blade of grass on every hill, but he taught me so much. He taught me that it's not the job of this town to make me feel happy. It's not Baile na gCroithe's fault that i don't feel i fit in. It's doesn't matter where you are in the world because it's about where you are up here,'she touched the side of her head lightly.

'It's about the other world i inhibit. The world of dreams, hope, imagination and memories. I'm happy up here,' she tapped her temple again and smiled,'and because of that I'm happy up here too.'

She held out her arms and displayed the countryside around her. She closed her eyes and allowed the wind to dry her tears.

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