Not Worth A Penny...

This entry is not for making someone look bad, it's just how I feel at the situation. If it's does hurt anybody, I do apolagize.

Already had a plan in my mind to come to london after my QE, but it's never been finalise and said out loud because I thought I might be changing my mind at the very last minute (very typical of me I guess). I was thinking of visiting friends and going places in London. Three days before my last paper, a friend from London called and I did mentioned to him that I might be going to London after the paper, but need to check first when is my paper as at that moment, the schedule hasn't been published. I explained to him that I might be going and by listened to his voice, he seems excited and said that he has nothing to do during the weekend.

That is when it goes wrong.

Lessoned no. 1, don't say anything about something if you haven't made your mind yet.

Finally, the grouping for my last paper is out and mine was on thursday. Still, no decision been made. Later that evening, he called to ask how I did in my paper, and once again he mentioned that he has no plan over the weekend and asking me to come, and yet my reply was still the same. But, I feel the guilt as giving a false hope to my friend and I was unease that night thinking about that. The next morning, I check the ticket and the price still the same as I looked a week ago, and for me it's expensive as I can get a lot cheaper price. A LOT MORE!

But then, because of the guilt I made my mind to go to London on Friday, 12.00 pm. I booked return ticket, 7.25 pm for an hour journey. Then, I texted my friend saying that I'll be coming. He then called me saying he already have plan but I can stay in his place and make it my own. Thanks, I really-really do appreciate that. But, my mind was really hay wired at that time as it's doesn't go with the plan. As I said, I really do appreciate the offer and indeed I stayed there for a night alone. The point I tried to make here is, is it worth it paying such ticket to be alone the whole night? I can be alone in my room, and don't even have to travel this far for that.

There's a lot more to mention, but I just can't go on. It's me who will be hurt in the end. Wasted Saturday, not worth a single penny.

Update, update, update....

There's so many things that I want to write for this particular trip but definitely need to be at the right time. So, wait but sorry if ada yg terasa...

Tension…

My mind is tired. Two years of knowledge being compressed into 3 months, and you only had support from friends. Then I thought it was over, but it wasn’t. The cycle start again, but I only had 3 weeks to cover everything and the feeling was not the same. Less anxious, less nervous. At first I thought it was good signs which might be saying that I’m ready. But it result in low motivation and less forward drive, and I just don’t want a bad outcome out of it.

My mind is tired. It’s over, but I doesn’t feel like it…

When the madness come…

 

It’s been awhile I haven’t been actively update my blogs. Yes, I enjoy writing even though I know my language is not that good, but every time I made an entry, I feel the satisfaction.

It was a very hectic period of time, adapting to the new place, learning in new system and environment, weather especially. Exam is the main focus, and even at the moment I’m doing this entry, there’s another one more paper to be done with.

Failing is not a good feeling at all. It’s just like world fall before your eyes. Even been giving a final last chance, the feeling is not the same as you sitting for the first one. Hate to admit, but I have bad feeling about this.

Yes, I received tremendous support from family and friends so that I can go on. But sometime, reality is real, and hard to face it and I hope I don’t have to face it twice in 4 weeks time. If it does happen, believe me I don’t know how to react.

When We Start To Drift Away

Cultural shock is something that I thought will never get me when I’m studying abroad. I expect a little, but I seriously didn’t expect it will be this big.

I don’t know where to start and how to say it, but I’m already drift away a little bit from what I’m suppose to do here, but just don’t worry.Is it my fault? Yes, everyday I would say to myself, it’s definitely my fault and no others to be blame for. Influence from other? Yes, there’s no doubt it’s exist and pull me toward that direction. But it’s not their fault, it’s me who made the decision and the blame is on me.

Study should be my priority, but it’s not wrong if I try something new. But the biggest mistake is, the priority somehow change and i loss my focus. As I mentioned before, cultural shock. I would say it’s not because of the differences between me and all the people here, but it’s more how to live here, and it’s depends on what kind of person you are.

As for me, I would love to tell the world who I really am, but even though I’m now far away from home, the boundaries and limitation still exist. It’s always invisible but always here, in my head. But of course, my dearest friends, my best friends I would say, would know what I’m trying to say.

Yes, there’s a couple of time I told some of my ‘new’ friends here about this, and of course they understand as they once in my position, but as we are so different culturally, they have no problem with who they are.

Drifted is Cool if you now how to get back, because if you on the right track again, you will realise mistakes that you have done. Seriously, the way back is hard to find and even harder to be on it.

Everyday I open my eyes, I feel the guilt. It’s growing everyday without a little decrement. I know it’s about time to get back to the path, but action is not as easy as the thought of it. It’s like asking a heavy smoker to stop smoking, that is exactly how difficult it is.

People can say it’s easy, as they never experienced it; but once they are, they will understand it.