It’s the weekend of my 4th week Cardio-Respiratory Block, and I have 3 weeks to go before next block, and yet I feel my brain is empty. It start to scare me as there’s a lot of things I didn’t know and it’s the only time before I graduate, pretty scary!
On top of that, I have a lot of things to be done and I feel it’s impossible to finish everything before the deadline! IMPOSSIBLE. Yes, that’s the word.
Feeling inferior and intimidated by the environment have always been my major major big problem. It make me insecure of everything that I do; always have bad thought before doing something.
A part from that, there’s something that I never thought that I will do and I had done it. That was IMPOSSIBLE, but yes I did it.
If only I can do the same with my study, but there’s always something pulling me back.
Two words, BRAVE and CONFIDENT.
Ya Allah, sesungguhnya segala kekuatan itu datang dari Mu, dan sesungguhnya ku mohon kepadaNya kekuatan utk ku meneruskan hari-hari ku. Walaupun baru 3 hari berada di ward, tersentuh sudah hati mendengar cerita yg sedih. Ingin ku menitiskan air mata, tetapi bukan lah tempatnya kerana aku perlu kuat.
My mind is tired. Two years of knowledge being compressed into 3 months, and you only had support from friends. Then I thought it was over, but it wasn’t. The cycle start again, but I only had 3 weeks to cover everything and the feeling was not the same. Less anxious, less nervous. At first I thought it was good signs which might be saying that I’m ready. But it result in low motivation and less forward drive, and I just don’t want a bad outcome out of it.
My mind is tired. It’s over, but I doesn’t feel like it…
It’s been awhile I haven’t been actively update my blogs. Yes, I enjoy writing even though I know my language is not that good, but every time I made an entry, I feel the satisfaction.
It was a very hectic period of time, adapting to the new place, learning in new system and environment, weather especially. Exam is the main focus, and even at the moment I’m doing this entry, there’s another one more paper to be done with.
Failing is not a good feeling at all. It’s just like world fall before your eyes. Even been giving a final last chance, the feeling is not the same as you sitting for the first one. Hate to admit, but I have bad feeling about this.
Yes, I received tremendous support from family and friends so that I can go on. But sometime, reality is real, and hard to face it and I hope I don’t have to face it twice in 4 weeks time. If it does happen, believe me I don’t know how to react.
Cultural shock is something that I thought will never get me when I’m studying abroad. I expect a little, but I seriously didn’t expect it will be this big.
I don’t know where to start and how to say it, but I’m already drift away a little bit from what I’m suppose to do here, but just don’t worry.Is it my fault? Yes, everyday I would say to myself, it’s definitely my fault and no others to be blame for. Influence from other? Yes, there’s no doubt it’s exist and pull me toward that direction. But it’s not their fault, it’s me who made the decision and the blame is on me.
Study should be my priority, but it’s not wrong if I try something new. But the biggest mistake is, the priority somehow change and i loss my focus. As I mentioned before, cultural shock. I would say it’s not because of the differences between me and all the people here, but it’s more how to live here, and it’s depends on what kind of person you are.
As for me, I would love to tell the world who I really am, but even though I’m now far away from home, the boundaries and limitation still exist. It’s always invisible but always here, in my head. But of course, my dearest friends, my best friends I would say, would know what I’m trying to say.
Yes, there’s a couple of time I told some of my ‘new’ friends here about this, and of course they understand as they once in my position, but as we are so different culturally, they have no problem with who they are.
Drifted is Cool if you now how to get back, because if you on the right track again, you will realise mistakes that you have done. Seriously, the way back is hard to find and even harder to be on it.
Everyday I open my eyes, I feel the guilt. It’s growing everyday without a little decrement. I know it’s about time to get back to the path, but action is not as easy as the thought of it. It’s like asking a heavy smoker to stop smoking, that is exactly how difficult it is.
People can say it’s easy, as they never experienced it; but once they are, they will understand it.
